Hoobastank - The First Of Me.

       
When I entered the public school system for the first time. I was an outcast from the beginning, I was controversial and broke the mold. I was kind-hearted and warm, but also very adimant about my beliefs. I had convictions and a moral standard which I lived by. I valued others. And I valued myself. I had self-esteem and was uneffected by others expectations.

A year later and I begun to realize more and more how offensive people found me to be. My liveliness and unstained joy bothered everyone. They did not like the fact that I had not experienced the rejection and objectification that they had. To some it became a game to see if they could affect the way I viewed life. To see if my world was shakeable. And though they alone did not succeed, through a long chain of events. I slowly grew to an increased amount of cynicism.

They say that the heartless people in this world were once the ones who cared too much. they are correct.

People loved the altered me. The cold, self-sufficient, quiet, non-confrontational Hope. I listened when others debated. I ignored it when people did things that went against what I had believed in. I fit the social organization. But I was not good at fitting molds. There came a point where I embraced the mold completely, and people rejected me because I took their mold to the logical conclusion, and a harsh conclusion it was.

Alone, confused, and frustrated. I decided to take a different approach. I started trying to search for the answers I had once had. I started becoming more and more brazen again. People still did not like me for the most part. But those who did, were under no illusion, they liked me for who I was.

Recently, I went to a place that tried to do that to me again. Tried to have me conform to a societal game where you are putty to their system. They promise approval, and acceptance, but at a cost. I left. I will not become a shell of a being. I will ask questions and state my opinions til' the day I die.
       



                                 



God sees me and says that I am imperfect, but I am lovable and accepted. He will shape me. If I am rejected it is because they reject him.

I would rather be rejected for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Hinder - Better than me. Vulnerability or Isolation.

  When I was in high-school people found me to be attractive but for the most part people did not want to get involved with me. I was trouble. I would not let people get close. I was bubbly and friendly unless you wanted more than what was on the surface.

When people would want to get close enough to me that I could screw up and hurt them I would simply respond by pushing them away. It made me sad, but I believed that I was doing the right thing. I was someone who did not know how to be a good friend. I did not know what I wanted. I did not know what I needed. I did not have role-models. Or structure.

All I knew was that I was capable of causing incredible amounts of pain to the ones I loved the most. So time and time again I would push people away. After it, this song would start playing in my head. Because I was truly doing them a favor.     

                      

                                      




But looking back, it fills me with a sense of loss. You trust people by choosing to trust them. You can choose to be trustworthy. In every relationship there is going to be pain. The question is what to do when conflict and pain become part of the picture. Do you let that permanently come between the two of you? Or does confrontation, and forgiveness enter the picture?

It's never about who you were or where you have been. It is about who you are, and who you are becoming. Are you the type of person who is willing to face their demons? Are you willing to apologize when you are wrong? Are you willing to love yourself even though you are imperfect?

Everyone is flawed. But are you going to hide your heart for fear of hurting others and being hurt, or are you going to choose to live knowing that pain can shape you in beautiful ways if you will let it? All gold must go through the fire in order to be purified. Do you want to be gold? Or do you want to be stone?

say goodbye by theory of a deadman. A cowardly exit.

        There came a time when a series of people had left my life. And I began to adapt to it. Leave before you are left. That is the lesson I learned. People will always leave. And more often than not they will take a part of your self-esteem with them when they go.

Along came an innocent boy who handed me his heart. Unfortunately by this point I was one heartbreak away from being a complete isolationist. During our relationship I experienced the heartbreak that caused me to break. The one person who has stayed through everything, left with a letter with words painful enough to make one want to die. I internalized her words and believed them. I did not want to get close to anyone after that. I did not like who I had become. I did not want to be in the position to hurt anyone else.

The only thing that stood between me and being free from influencing anyone's life, was one boy. The boy who had handed me his heart. One more casualty and then I would not have to deal with pain again. I would live to be a loner. I would not hurt another person. And no other person would get the chance to hurt me.

So for months I tried to break it off with the one boy who cared. One day, I ripped it off like a band-aid. I simply turned to him and said goodbye. I biked off and didn't speak to him again. No explanation. No second chance. Nothing.            





I was wrong. We say goodbye with no explaination when we are the ones with cowardice. When we are the ones letting our pain and fear control us.

JaY- Z- Forever Young: The dreams of today.

       Let me take you back to a time and place when the days were sunny. When life was a beautiful dream, filled with hope, and fulfillment. The day's were golden, and the sky blue. I lived in a dream. One that I could touch, taste, and smell.

This song was an anthem. The theme song to my days and nights. Back in 2010 this song sung back to me my heart song. Since then this song has developed layers of meaning for me. After, the dream and the bubble of niave bliss was shattered with a harsh reality that I jumped in, this song became something else to me.

This tune became a sad reminiscent song. A song of regret, a feeling long lost, an unobtainable bliss. Because there came a point when I no longer believed in long days filled with wonder. The tune teased and taunted my mind with the memories of innocence. I would listen to it when I was sad. I would listen to it because I yearned for what I had.

More recently, yet another layer of meaning has been added to this tune. It has become a song of anticipation, a song of hope, a song that represents the desire for better. When I hear it now, I remind myself that it is possible to not feel the judgement of others bearing down upon you. It is possible to have confidence without arrogance. It is possible to love and to see the option of pain and to welcome it knowingly.

I never want to grow old inside. I want my spirit to be young and alive, filled with dreams that wont die. Hope that takes me to new heights. And love that conquers all fear. I can be this happy and filled with joy without being naive. The world is filled with all manner of horrors, but there is love and peace that is bigger than that.                  

                         



I want to be forever young. I want to live forever. I refuse to let the bad in this life out-do the good. It is when the evil causes you to give up that it truly wins. Defeat is when you permanently give-up. There is a time to lay on the ground unconscious, because life will knock you out. But there is a time to get back up and say round 2.

'Viva La White Girl' by Gym Class Heroes. Living a Lie.

    This is the first gym class heroes song I ever heard back in 2010. I remember the day clearly, me and my best friend were in an office building awaiting an answer.

She was listening to one of the ear buds, and I, the other. She turned it on and then gripped my hand as if to say that she needed to know that I was real and that I would be there to feel her pain. The tune started playing and I listened.

The song sung the sad lullaby of someone who can't bear to face the reality that is before them. It sings to the tune of knowing that part you play and living the life that you were handed with ease. The life you begin to lead is one filled with empty relationships, empty promises and is an empty life. It is not reality, it is a self-made mirage.

Getting high to replace the pain with something that makes us warm. A temporary release, the peace and enjoyment that comes with the physical reaction to these substances. But when you come down the reality about the nightmare that you are in comes back to knock on the door of your conscious.

So run away, deeper and deeper into that hole of denial and blind satisfaction. don't factor the cost. Let the emotions of your new reality envelope your being. And cling on to it because it will be a wild ride. The higher you get, the lower you go.

So when the white-girl of drugs and lust calls, when the bottle calls out for a drink, when the nights grow long and the days are grey. Are you going to run away into the dream, or are you going to get up and face the day before you?








I tried both. I fell into the self-made mirage and believed every bone of a lie that I tossed. But the dream ended. Reality is hard, and the pain that can haunt our existance is powerful. But neither drugs nor time can fix what ails us.

B.o.b - Coastline

This is one of those songs where the hearer truly determines the meaning. This song is vivid enough to give you a framework where you can paint the picture.

So I have decided that I will express what this song means to me.

I have had so many dreams that have been crushed, and many times I have come to points where I have needed to ask:  What could possibly make this life worth living? How can I keep going? While searching for answers I would be giving life another shot. Searching for something to hold on to.

As I keep on this journey running towards God and towards the dreams he has given me, there are times where I look around and truly wonder how I got here. Knowing that though I have some of the answers I haven't even scratched the surface in regard to knowledge of the truth out there.                                                                                                 

Many people at this point in my life would pause to say that I have an air of arrogance because I am willing to challenge their opinions. But I ask you this: How are you going to find truth if you aren't willing to search for it? Aren't willing to test what you know with fire? Is the foundation and hope you stand on one that will with stand all the storms of life, or is it going to cause you to crumble and break? 

  

                                      




I will be spending the rest of my life upgrading my mental model of reality. I will never stop searching for answers, and I will never stop trying to understand.

Into the west by Annie Lennox. Peace in the afterlife.

      Death, is something that we all know will eventually snatch us up. Sooner or later it is a reality that we must face. For most death is something that fills their mind with fear, entering the unknown. Or maybe just the ending of something that you have finally begun enjoying.

This song, however, portrays death differently. It sings to our soul about peace. About the rest from anguish. The somber song that speaks to a soul that longs for more than what this life has to offer. Death isn't the end, yes, seperation of body and spirit. But for some, it is the hope of better. The hope of true closeness, of real love, of never ending joy that envelopes your very being.

For some this life is the closest they get to heaven. For others this life is the closest they will get to hell.

                                                                                                                                 

We will all make mistakes, and we will all suffer, all of us will spend time wondering what it is that makes life worth it. But when all is said and done, when you are lying on your death bed, what are you going to be feeling? Fear, and regret? Or hope and rest?

Marina & The Diamonds - Power & Control: The game

   There was a point in my life when I believed that love was a sick game that people played. The people who played it best were the ones who could gain someones emotional trust, and therefore be in control. That person would have the power in the relationship.

The game would begin when two individuals would become fascinated with each other. It would end when one of them was crushed and the other was the victor. The crushed one would then determine to play better next time.

It is a vicious never ending cycle of despair when love is a game of power and control. Luckily this song only shows an example of what love is not. True love is when you gain the other persons trust, not because you want to have power over them, but because you would die for them.                                                                                                                    

         

                                 

In this twisted game the more you can show without revealing yourself the better you are. With real love the goal is to know and to be known and accepted. Life is about connection. Without it there truly is no meaning. Without connection and trust, we walk around playing the game of power and control. Yearning for better, but not being willing to give up our paper mache' barricades.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - Sonata Arctica. Dedicated to a true hero

What makes someone a hero?
A question many of us have pondered.

In my mind, this song is dedicated to the ones out there with the real strength. The one's who stand by us through the trial called time. The one's who show us a mirror when we are muddy. The friends that sit with us in the mud when we think that we will never be clean again.

A hero is the one who isn't perfect. A hero is the one who isn't afraid to love. A hero is the one who uses their past to fly and to give others the strength to get up and use their broken wings to fly again too.

This song for me, is dedicated to my sister. The one who never gives up on me. The one who moved back home when I was suicidal. The one who didn't stop trying even when I wouldn't talk to her. The one who came when I called at two AM. This is dedicated to my hero. The one who loves people and chooses to forgive those who don't deserve it.                                                                                                                                

                                               
A hero is a person who inspires you to get back up and try again.

Skyfall by Adele and Loyalty

Every once in awhile things happen that leave us reeling, feeling as if the earth is shattering before our eyes.

During that mind-numbing pain we often look around to see who is willing to walk beside us and who will fight the shadows with us.

When the skyfalls, what we need most is someone who will stand with us through it all. Who still sees our value when the earth spits us out.

Sometimes though even the most loyal will leave us, and when they do they can walk away, but they can't take with them our worth. They can't take our heart.                                                                                                    

Loyalty is walking with someone through the valley of the shadow of death. Loyalty is being willing to feel their pain. Loyalty is never losing sight of your worth even when the skyfalls. Be loyal to yourself, and in turn you will learn how to be loyal to others, when earth crumbles.

What I hear when I listen to "Sunrise" by Our Last Night

This song first draws out our hopeless side that is screaming from the closet. Feeling like a prisoner inside, darkness surrounding your perception of reality, part of you pleading for that hope to keep you going. But no one hears your screams.

This is dedicated to the one who has spent endless nights knowing that the the weight of your pain you bear alone. For the one who dreams of a better tomorrow. You can make it to the sunrise. 

Sunrise: Your dreams restored and fulfilled.

When you are in the pits, you can climb out then keep on climbing til' you are in the mountains. From there that is where the difference is made. You become the beacon of hope, the hope of sunrises to come. You bring the sunrise for others by living in the light of your dreams without the shame of your past.
                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

"From time to time there arise among human beings people who seem to exude love as naturally as the sun gives out heat"

My interpretation of Bones by MsMr

 A song about the transition from life to death internally. From sweet fantasies to sick dreams.

We all dream of life, love, and security when we begin this journey called
life. But somewhere along the way most of us get to watch those dreams
get crushed and twisted. The twisted reality consumes our very being. We
then replace those dreams with what has become home. Our new fantasies
are dark and feed the empty box where I soul used to be.

Dig up her bones but leave the soul alone. You can mess with a body but the
soul is where someone can truly die. And when that soul dies it no
longer matters what happens to a mere body.

Sadness becomes your lover. And pain becomes your passion. Those silent screams are the
dreams that have been lost along the way



                                                                                                                                                                                       

Candy Bar creep show - What you find sweet, others find sick.

But it doesn't end there, the command to leave the soul alone is so that a better place may be found.