Fort Minor - Slip Out the Back. Cold silence.

       A song that played on repeat every night. When I moved home after being gone for a year things were different. My family did not know me. They did not know who I had become and why. But they saw that I was different. They had heard Dad's rants about me. They had heard that I had several interactions with cops, and that I got busted for smoking pot. They heard that I had gotten drunk. They had heard that one of my friends had been stabbed. They knew about when we tried to rescue one of my friends from an abusive home.

This song rang true for me, because I had left for almost two years, and yet when I came back it was like I had never left. I was both invisible. I had completely changed as a person, my life forever altered, but I was the only one who noticed. They noticed enough to say a snide remark here or there, nothing more.

I was alone in a house where twelve others lived.

It was then that I learned that at the end of the day, you need to be the one who determines your self-worth.  Others will let you down, and they won't notice all your efforts. But you will, you know how hard you try. You know who you are. And you need to be the one to convince yourself that you are worth-while.      

            

                  




To this day, when I listen to this, I stare off into the far corner of my mind. My heart will feel a familiar ache of sadness. But having a family that did not care, helped me figure out in the long-haul whats important. I now seek people to be vulnerable and open with. I search out the people who will notice if I change, or if something is wrong. We as people were never meant to be alone in life. In our very core we want nothing more than to be fully known, and fully accepted.

Chandelier - Sia. True Emptiness

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, is the wildest, most fun, die hards. Are the saddest and loneliest people out there. They have absolutely nothing to lose, because they feel that they have nothing in the first place. Whether or not its true, that is the perception they have.

Why do I say this, well, I used to be the life of the party. A true wild one. I lived both more than I have ever lived before and since, and at the same time so much less than I do now. When I was the wild one, I didn’t allow myself to live and learn, because I wouldn’t allow my emotions to catch up to me. I wouldn’t allow myself the time to process what I was going through or feeling. I just kept moving forward, refusing to pause or look back. I was not purposely trying to hide from myself, I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel alive.

This song is perfection. It shows how sad the party girls are. How in order to cope with their past, they must keep running from it.

The biggest problem is that at the end of the day, no one knows who you are. No one knows what drives you, what you think, what your family is like, ect. They just know that you are “fun”. But when you stop being fun, you are alone. Utterly forgotten.





After leaving that life behind, I started showing my cards. Started being more open about who I am, almost everyone left. But it got better, because now the people who are my friends, actually like me for who I am.